I'm Sorry I was cranky

Nothing hurts more than the sobs of your child telling you she miss her daddy!

Putting her down for a much needed nap, she wouldn't go potty. Told me she didn't know how to pull down her pants with two shirts on. Yes, toddler logic. I yelled at her, threatened her with no nap time stories, and yelled some more. I then put her to bed screaming.

After I calmed down and thought about my actions and behavior I went in. I Told her I was sorry. I explained that we both miss daddy and that sometimes makes us cranky. I love her and am sorry. She said sorry. She cried " I miss my daddy".

We cried for about 20 min. in each others arms. We read a story and she got into bed. We cried a little more. I left her and she started sobbing again talking to him. It just hurts!

It's his birthday tomorrow. We are both emotional and miss him so much. I hate that I'm cranky and take it out on her. .

Ashes ashes we all fall down

Since Christmas Hayden has expressed several times about not saying goodbye to Adam. We have talked and she feels better. I think, knowing we did kiss him goodbye and said I love you before we went to school helped. She has been better. 

I've struggled with wanting to find away for her to have a goodbye. To be apart of scattering his ashes. But at 3, how do I explain this? I have been reading up on how to talk to children about cremation. We have had a few instance where we have seen a dead animal and she is confused how could it be dead if she could still see it? When we saw a dead frog at the sitters and she said its not dead yet because its still here, not in heaven, I decided to attempt a conversation about death and our bodies.

I started by explaining about how angel means our SOUL. Our soul makes up who we are. Daddy's soul loved nature, family, it was funny and smart. His body is what we saw and felt. His soul is who he is. Explaining her soul as funny, smart, artistic, and so forth. We had this conversation a handful of times over the a week.

We then talked about the body. We have encountered a few dead skunks on our way to school.   She asked if it was stinky in heaven because of the skunk.  I explained that the skunks body is still here but it's soul is in heaven. Just like daddy's soul. Daddy's body was still here when he died but his soul went to heaven. His soul can see and hear us. His body got hurt but not his soul. His body stopped working but his soul went to heaven. In heaven he is STILL our daddy, we just cannot see or hear him.

The next day, we discussed people sometimes put their loved ones body in the ground when they die. Some people like Daddy, wanted their body to be made into ashes. When Daddy died, they made his body really hot until he turned into ashes. I described ashes as it  looks like sand with little pieces of his bones. That they put it into little bags for us to scatter or put places daddy loved.  We also have some for mommy to keep and some for her to keep forever.

We have spent a little time each day this week discussing ashes and how Daddy wanted to be put places he loved. I told her about putting some in the mountains and some in the fishing river.  We already have discussed heaven being where we want it to be not just up there in the clouds. That heaven is where your soul travels. Hayden wants heaven to be underwater . Daddy goes to see Mimi and Papa, Uncle Matt, climbing, fishing, hiking and camping. But most of all he is with us. He goes to school with her and is always watching over Mommy and Hayden.

Last night, we looked at his ashes. She was excited. It made her feel like he was with her. She has a bag of them in her room now and was excited to show people. We discussed the fact it may make people feel nervous or sad to see them. She asked to show her cousins. I explained that they may not know about ashes and if she wanted to talk about it she can talk to an adult. We discussed that it was not something to talk about at school. I told her most kids don't know about ashes and it might upset them.I told her names of people she could talk about it with. I explained that  she can ALWAYS talk to mommy about it.

We laughed going to bed that he was stuck with us forever! She said she has him trapped! He cannot get away from us now! We discussed scattering some but that I will always keep some and she will keep hers. She said when she dies she wants her ashes to be with Daddy's in all the places he is. I told her I do too.

Again, she amazes me. I hope this will help her and make her feel like she has him close to her. I hope the first time we scatter ashes together she feels it is a way to say her goodbye to him.

I went to bed last night and woke up this morning in awe of the conversation. That I am explaining to my 3 yr old about her father's ashes. Why the hell am I having to have this conversation?

A night out

So, I went to dinner with 3 girl friends tonight. 3 friends who had husbands at home with the kids. LOVE them and had a good time at dinner. But, as I was driving home it hit me I was going home alone. Adam was always encouraging me to go out and have fun with the girls. I would have loved to have gone to make a return to Kohl's after, gone to Target or even to the grocery store to avoid doing it over the weekend. No, I was watching the time thinking I have to pay a babysitter $8 an hour and just spent X on dinner. 

Now, I am home alone missing Adam even more  Dinner was fun but the after is horrible.

Children and grief

My daughter is an amazingly intuitive, sensitive, and expressive 3 yr old.  Over the past 11 months, I have been in awe of how she is processing her grief.  I have watched her go through the early stages where she repeated my account of his death. She spoke of wanting to die and go to heaven with Adam.  She asked questions about how and why. She took to gathering his belongings to bring her comfort. Things I would expect from an older child. Over the holidays she surprised me with her ability to express her feelings to me. While taking down the Christmas tree, she began to cry saying goodbye to the tree. Although I found it odd, I knew it was more than just a goodbye to the tree. I asked her what was wrong. Holding her, she said "I never got to say goodbye to my daddy". How at 3 yrs old is she able to vocalize her feelings better than some adults I know?