The events that changed my life in an instant

At 3:00 PM my husband who was the safest climber I knew fell 30 ft to his death.  A rock became dislodged and fell on him causing him to fall.  A rock weighing over a ton, fell and took my life with it.  It took the one thing that kept me grounded.  The one person who understood and accepted me for who I was.  In an instant the nature that my husband loved, took him away from us.

There was nothing that Adam or the other men could have done to prevent this tragedy from happening, aside from not going that day.  Yet, this offers me no real comfort.  I find comfort knowing he was not aware of what was happening, that the rock killed or knocked him out before he fell. 

I'm Sorry I was cranky

Nothing hurts more than the sobs of your child telling you she miss her daddy!

Putting her down for a much needed nap, she wouldn't go potty. Told me she didn't know how to pull down her pants with two shirts on. Yes, toddler logic. I yelled at her, threatened her with no nap time stories, and yelled some more. I then put her to bed screaming.

After I calmed down and thought about my actions and behavior I went in. I Told her I was sorry. I explained that we both miss daddy and that sometimes makes us cranky. I love her and am sorry. She said sorry. She cried " I miss my daddy".

We cried for about 20 min. in each others arms. We read a story and she got into bed. We cried a little more. I left her and she started sobbing again talking to him. It just hurts!

It's his birthday tomorrow. We are both emotional and miss him so much. I hate that I'm cranky and take it out on her. .

Ashes ashes we all fall down

Since Christmas Hayden has expressed several times about not saying goodbye to Adam. We have talked and she feels better. I think, knowing we did kiss him goodbye and said I love you before we went to school helped. She has been better. 

I've struggled with wanting to find away for her to have a goodbye. To be apart of scattering his ashes. But at 3, how do I explain this? I have been reading up on how to talk to children about cremation. We have had a few instance where we have seen a dead animal and she is confused how could it be dead if she could still see it? When we saw a dead frog at the sitters and she said its not dead yet because its still here, not in heaven, I decided to attempt a conversation about death and our bodies.

I started by explaining about how angel means our SOUL. Our soul makes up who we are. Daddy's soul loved nature, family, it was funny and smart. His body is what we saw and felt. His soul is who he is. Explaining her soul as funny, smart, artistic, and so forth. We had this conversation a handful of times over the a week.

We then talked about the body. We have encountered a few dead skunks on our way to school.   She asked if it was stinky in heaven because of the skunk.  I explained that the skunks body is still here but it's soul is in heaven. Just like daddy's soul. Daddy's body was still here when he died but his soul went to heaven. His soul can see and hear us. His body got hurt but not his soul. His body stopped working but his soul went to heaven. In heaven he is STILL our daddy, we just cannot see or hear him.

The next day, we discussed people sometimes put their loved ones body in the ground when they die. Some people like Daddy, wanted their body to be made into ashes. When Daddy died, they made his body really hot until he turned into ashes. I described ashes as it  looks like sand with little pieces of his bones. That they put it into little bags for us to scatter or put places daddy loved.  We also have some for mommy to keep and some for her to keep forever.

We have spent a little time each day this week discussing ashes and how Daddy wanted to be put places he loved. I told her about putting some in the mountains and some in the fishing river.  We already have discussed heaven being where we want it to be not just up there in the clouds. That heaven is where your soul travels. Hayden wants heaven to be underwater . Daddy goes to see Mimi and Papa, Uncle Matt, climbing, fishing, hiking and camping. But most of all he is with us. He goes to school with her and is always watching over Mommy and Hayden.

Last night, we looked at his ashes. She was excited. It made her feel like he was with her. She has a bag of them in her room now and was excited to show people. We discussed the fact it may make people feel nervous or sad to see them. She asked to show her cousins. I explained that they may not know about ashes and if she wanted to talk about it she can talk to an adult. We discussed that it was not something to talk about at school. I told her most kids don't know about ashes and it might upset them.I told her names of people she could talk about it with. I explained that  she can ALWAYS talk to mommy about it.

We laughed going to bed that he was stuck with us forever! She said she has him trapped! He cannot get away from us now! We discussed scattering some but that I will always keep some and she will keep hers. She said when she dies she wants her ashes to be with Daddy's in all the places he is. I told her I do too.

Again, she amazes me. I hope this will help her and make her feel like she has him close to her. I hope the first time we scatter ashes together she feels it is a way to say her goodbye to him.

I went to bed last night and woke up this morning in awe of the conversation. That I am explaining to my 3 yr old about her father's ashes. Why the hell am I having to have this conversation?

A night out

So, I went to dinner with 3 girl friends tonight. 3 friends who had husbands at home with the kids. LOVE them and had a good time at dinner. But, as I was driving home it hit me I was going home alone. Adam was always encouraging me to go out and have fun with the girls. I would have loved to have gone to make a return to Kohl's after, gone to Target or even to the grocery store to avoid doing it over the weekend. No, I was watching the time thinking I have to pay a babysitter $8 an hour and just spent X on dinner. 

Now, I am home alone missing Adam even more  Dinner was fun but the after is horrible.

Children and grief

My daughter is an amazingly intuitive, sensitive, and expressive 3 yr old.  Over the past 11 months, I have been in awe of how she is processing her grief.  I have watched her go through the early stages where she repeated my account of his death. She spoke of wanting to die and go to heaven with Adam.  She asked questions about how and why. She took to gathering his belongings to bring her comfort. Things I would expect from an older child. Over the holidays she surprised me with her ability to express her feelings to me. While taking down the Christmas tree, she began to cry saying goodbye to the tree. Although I found it odd, I knew it was more than just a goodbye to the tree. I asked her what was wrong. Holding her, she said "I never got to say goodbye to my daddy". How at 3 yrs old is she able to vocalize her feelings better than some adults I know?

Dream visits

Within the first two weeks after Adam's death, I had two dreams about him.  The first was not very good.  Although, I was so excited to see him and have him kiss me and make love to me, he then told me he had been cheating on me for 21 years with someone from high school.  Not exactly a warm and fuzzy dream after all.  I woke up laughing thinking that he was going to laugh at me and call me crazy when I told him about this dream.  For a split second, I thought he was out on the couch.  Then, I remembered.  I cried and cried for several days.

I had the second dream a few day later and this one I believe was a visit.  I remember being at our friends home but it was our home?  Adam came to the door and rang the bell.  I opened the door and threw my arms around him hugging him so tightly and kissing him.  We fell backwards into the bean bag chair.  No words were exchanged but I had the feeling of missing him so very much and knowing that he had been gone a long time. 

The third dream, I again saw him this time in what appeared to be a college dorm setting.  I knew I only would have a short time with him and had questions to ask him.  Should I go see this medium I had heard about from a friend?  But instead, we just held each other on a small twin dorm style bed.  There were other people moving around us.  I remember him telling me something about the electricity or turn it off or electronics.  Then, I woke up.  There were no words exchanged by him, just the thoughts in my mind.

Last night, I had another dream. I think it was a visit but I don't understand the message.  This time, we were in a home with 3 stories.  I cannot remember who's house it was supposed to be.  But, I remember I was to be there and then go with his Aunt and my sister to someplace later that day or the next.  As I was looking at the view from the floor I was to be sleeping on, I noted the beautiful view.  Then something drew me to the top floor.  It was here that I found Adam.  We kissed and hugged each other and I commented that the view was not as good.  You could see too much from up there.  All the houses, the street and cars. But, you could also see the beach.  The other view downstairs was of the trees.  We laid again on a bed just holding each other.  I said I didn't want to go where ever it was I was suppose to be.  I wanted to stay with him.  His cell rang and he talked about a conference call.  I thought it was his work but then he was fighting with someone on the phone about me staying.  It was my sister.  She was on her way to get me but I couldn't understand why because I had my own car to drive to meet them when I was done with Adam.  But her and the other person he told me were already coming to drop off the kids. I commented that I had not been able to go to the beach.  We went to go take a shower and the tub was full of water.  We got in then got out when we realized neither of us had filled the bath?  As we were waiting for it to drain and just holding each other, my sister and someone else come storming into the room.  They demanded I go with them right then.  Adam said something to them trying to defend me. I cried and said they couldn't understand.  I just wanted Adam to hold me.  I longed for him to just hold me in his arms.  That I cried for this every night.  Then, the one person turned out to be a teacher from my school and then my principal was there also defending me.  I woke up shortly after this.  It is the last part I do not understand?  Why would they be trying to take me away from Adam?

I do believe we are visited by our loved ones in our dreams.  I know he was holding me like I have begged him to do.  I know he loves me and wants to be with me.  I just wish I could join him.  But I have a beautiful two year old who needs her mother more.

How to help?

      "What can I do?" & "Call me if you need anything"

Helping those who have lost a spouse/partner

Many people want to help you when they hear of the tragic loss of a loved one. "What can I do?" & "Call me if you need anything" are the most common things I heard and still hear.  Although good in intention, it is overwhelming for those that are grieving to think about how to help YOU help me. It's better to just DO something. Here are ideas and tips from my experience after losing my husband on how you can help without causing more stress for the family.

The doing something stuff: 

• Bring groceries: Things like coffee, cream, bananas (easy to eat with cotton mouth), milk (go with 1or 2% to be safe), bread, cereal and snack foods. Just some staples to have on hand.

• Gift Cards: Gift cards to grocery stores are great or food delivery places but try to avoid sit down restaurants. Who am I going to use them with now?

• The Kids: Tell don't ask. "I'm taking the kids to the park. I’ll pick Hayden up at 10 to join us.” I love my daughter, but I need a break. The people she knows well ASK/TELL me you are here and mean it. Offer over and over. Ask to have her over for a play date. Pick her up and drop her off. Tell me you don't expect me to visit too. Just give me an hour at the least!

• Meals: Meals are great if done correctly. This might sound like I'm being ungrateful but, sometimes; it's more work and energy then it is worth for the grieving. 

1. Please don't send freezer burned meals that you had from the birth of your first child. Fresh meals that can be frozen are great! Having healthy meals to pop in the oven or crock pot are helpful.

2. Think outside the pasta box. Everyone brought heavy pasta dishes. I appreciated them, but really liked meals with veggies too.

3. Know the families dietary needs. If you can, try and find out if the family has restrictions or special likes. I have a medical condition and try to limit processed foods. After awhile, I didn't want meals because most of the foods were things we didn't eat and it upset our digestive systems.

4. Try to limit how many different people are coming to the house. If it’s a group, pick one or two people to drop off food. It's overwhelming and exhausting to have to put on a happy face each time the doorbell rings.  There are great websites that can help you organize a schedule and meal planning. 

5. Think to the future. In the first few days and weeks, not much food is being consumed.  Maybe find out when the person is going back to work. Meals for that time would be helpful. The energy it takes just to go to work is enough to leave you not wanting to even think about cooking!  At 9 months, I still find it difficult to make dinner.  Having some meals in the freezer has saved me many times from serving yet another PB&J.

6. Disposable please. If you bring a container, please make sure it's not one you want back. I cannot think clearly as all I am consumed with is grief. Please don't make me worry about returning your casserole dish.

Things to do as a group:  A great way to offer support is to organize a group of co-workers, church members, friends or neighbors who can work together with some more long term needs.  

• House Cleaning: Hire a professional to come at least once a month. A professional is less invasive because you are already vulnerable to friends. You don't want them knowing just how messy you really are.  My friends set up a schedule to each cover the cost of one month.  It was so helpful to me especially as I went back to work and was struggling to manage a household on my own.  However, give it some time and then have a person that knows the bereaved well ask if this would be ok.  They may be too private to allow such a thing. 

• Trash: If they have a service great, if not come get it or help pay for a service. It may seem like a little thing but with so many new little things you are now doing, the little things feel like BIG tasks.

 • Lawn: Arrange to have the lawn mowed and leaves raked. It’s one less thing to be done and worried about.

The Emotional Help: 

• LISTEN, LISTEN, and LISTEN to me as I talk. Let me show my true emotions. If I cry, it’s ok to cry too. Say my loved one's name. If you try to avoid the topic or are uncomfortable around me in my grief, I'll stop coming to you. It’s ok to not have anything to say. Share a memory you have with my loved one or just listen. 

• Don't tell me how STRONG I am. When you tell me how strong I am, you make me feel like that is what I am supposed to be. I will then put on that mask for you and never feel like I can truly be me. STRONG, what does that mean anyways? I don't feel strong. I feel like I am walking in a daze. My heart and life have been shattered. I am not strong, I am broken. Please, don't think that because I am not crying now, that I am strong. You only make me feel weaker when you call me strong.

• I know it is hard to know the right thing to say.  You want to take the pain away but in reality, nothing you say can stop the hurt.  However, there were some things people said with good intentions that hurt me.  “He is in a better place.”  Was being with his family not a good place?  “You are young, you will find someone new.”  I do not want anyone new, I want my husband!  Be careful of imparting your spiritual beliefs and feelings onto someone.  Let the bereaved take the lead, listen to what they say.  For me personally, it brought no comfort. Others it may.  Know the persons thoughts and beliefs and tread lightly.  Suffering a great loss can make many question their belief system.

• Don't try and fix it: I cannot be fixed. I cannot problem solve a solution to this pain. Please know that there are times I just need to be alone.  I need to be free to vent, cry, yell or scream. Don't try and fix me. I am broken and only I can put the pieces back together. Just be there for me and when I need help, I will know who I can ask.

• Yes, I cry and wish I were dead. No, I don't need to be committed. It is normal to be so overwhelmed with grief to wish you could be with your loved one. There is nothing wrong with me for thinking this. If I tell you a plan on how I am going to go about doing it, then get me help! Just voicing how I don't want to go on and how much I long to be with my loved one is not a sign that I am suicidal. It means I'm hurting. Hold me, cry with me, and tell me you are here for me. Just don't try and tell me how what I feel is wrong.   If, I seem to be stuck in this dark place continually for weeks then you should be a friend and try and convince me to see a counselor or join a support group. Talking with people who have experienced the loss of a spouse can be helpful.

• Grief to me is like a roller coaster.  Some moments are up and others come crashing down. I am doing OK today but tomorrow I cannot get out of bed. On those up days, be there to laugh with me and help me see the light in the dark.  On those down days, listen and cry with me.   There is no timetable for how long I “should be” grieving.  If you truly want to be supportive get on this ride with me, for as long as it takes.

No matter what, keep trying!!! Send cards weeks and months later. Remember the grief last more than the first two weeks. By the first month, help has stopped. Its then they need YOU the most. The first month you are in a fog. Reality starts to set in and you feel more alone than ever. CALL, TEXT, and BE THERE!! Let the person know you know that they are hurting and there is nothing you can do to take it away. However, you want to be there to help them on the journey even if it means just listening!