Dream visits

Within the first two weeks after Adam's death, I had two dreams about him.  The first was not very good.  Although, I was so excited to see him and have him kiss me and make love to me, he then told me he had been cheating on me for 21 years with someone from high school.  Not exactly a warm and fuzzy dream after all.  I woke up laughing thinking that he was going to laugh at me and call me crazy when I told him about this dream.  For a split second, I thought he was out on the couch.  Then, I remembered.  I cried and cried for several days.

I had the second dream a few day later and this one I believe was a visit.  I remember being at our friends home but it was our home?  Adam came to the door and rang the bell.  I opened the door and threw my arms around him hugging him so tightly and kissing him.  We fell backwards into the bean bag chair.  No words were exchanged but I had the feeling of missing him so very much and knowing that he had been gone a long time. 

The third dream, I again saw him this time in what appeared to be a college dorm setting.  I knew I only would have a short time with him and had questions to ask him.  Should I go see this medium I had heard about from a friend?  But instead, we just held each other on a small twin dorm style bed.  There were other people moving around us.  I remember him telling me something about the electricity or turn it off or electronics.  Then, I woke up.  There were no words exchanged by him, just the thoughts in my mind.

Last night, I had another dream. I think it was a visit but I don't understand the message.  This time, we were in a home with 3 stories.  I cannot remember who's house it was supposed to be.  But, I remember I was to be there and then go with his Aunt and my sister to someplace later that day or the next.  As I was looking at the view from the floor I was to be sleeping on, I noted the beautiful view.  Then something drew me to the top floor.  It was here that I found Adam.  We kissed and hugged each other and I commented that the view was not as good.  You could see too much from up there.  All the houses, the street and cars. But, you could also see the beach.  The other view downstairs was of the trees.  We laid again on a bed just holding each other.  I said I didn't want to go where ever it was I was suppose to be.  I wanted to stay with him.  His cell rang and he talked about a conference call.  I thought it was his work but then he was fighting with someone on the phone about me staying.  It was my sister.  She was on her way to get me but I couldn't understand why because I had my own car to drive to meet them when I was done with Adam.  But her and the other person he told me were already coming to drop off the kids. I commented that I had not been able to go to the beach.  We went to go take a shower and the tub was full of water.  We got in then got out when we realized neither of us had filled the bath?  As we were waiting for it to drain and just holding each other, my sister and someone else come storming into the room.  They demanded I go with them right then.  Adam said something to them trying to defend me. I cried and said they couldn't understand.  I just wanted Adam to hold me.  I longed for him to just hold me in his arms.  That I cried for this every night.  Then, the one person turned out to be a teacher from my school and then my principal was there also defending me.  I woke up shortly after this.  It is the last part I do not understand?  Why would they be trying to take me away from Adam?

I do believe we are visited by our loved ones in our dreams.  I know he was holding me like I have begged him to do.  I know he loves me and wants to be with me.  I just wish I could join him.  But I have a beautiful two year old who needs her mother more.

How to help?

      "What can I do?" & "Call me if you need anything"

Helping those who have lost a spouse/partner

Many people want to help you when they hear of the tragic loss of a loved one. "What can I do?" & "Call me if you need anything" are the most common things I heard and still hear.  Although good in intention, it is overwhelming for those that are grieving to think about how to help YOU help me. It's better to just DO something. Here are ideas and tips from my experience after losing my husband on how you can help without causing more stress for the family.

The doing something stuff: 

• Bring groceries: Things like coffee, cream, bananas (easy to eat with cotton mouth), milk (go with 1or 2% to be safe), bread, cereal and snack foods. Just some staples to have on hand.

• Gift Cards: Gift cards to grocery stores are great or food delivery places but try to avoid sit down restaurants. Who am I going to use them with now?

• The Kids: Tell don't ask. "I'm taking the kids to the park. I’ll pick Hayden up at 10 to join us.” I love my daughter, but I need a break. The people she knows well ASK/TELL me you are here and mean it. Offer over and over. Ask to have her over for a play date. Pick her up and drop her off. Tell me you don't expect me to visit too. Just give me an hour at the least!

• Meals: Meals are great if done correctly. This might sound like I'm being ungrateful but, sometimes; it's more work and energy then it is worth for the grieving. 

1. Please don't send freezer burned meals that you had from the birth of your first child. Fresh meals that can be frozen are great! Having healthy meals to pop in the oven or crock pot are helpful.

2. Think outside the pasta box. Everyone brought heavy pasta dishes. I appreciated them, but really liked meals with veggies too.

3. Know the families dietary needs. If you can, try and find out if the family has restrictions or special likes. I have a medical condition and try to limit processed foods. After awhile, I didn't want meals because most of the foods were things we didn't eat and it upset our digestive systems.

4. Try to limit how many different people are coming to the house. If it’s a group, pick one or two people to drop off food. It's overwhelming and exhausting to have to put on a happy face each time the doorbell rings.  There are great websites that can help you organize a schedule and meal planning. 

5. Think to the future. In the first few days and weeks, not much food is being consumed.  Maybe find out when the person is going back to work. Meals for that time would be helpful. The energy it takes just to go to work is enough to leave you not wanting to even think about cooking!  At 9 months, I still find it difficult to make dinner.  Having some meals in the freezer has saved me many times from serving yet another PB&J.

6. Disposable please. If you bring a container, please make sure it's not one you want back. I cannot think clearly as all I am consumed with is grief. Please don't make me worry about returning your casserole dish.

Things to do as a group:  A great way to offer support is to organize a group of co-workers, church members, friends or neighbors who can work together with some more long term needs.  

• House Cleaning: Hire a professional to come at least once a month. A professional is less invasive because you are already vulnerable to friends. You don't want them knowing just how messy you really are.  My friends set up a schedule to each cover the cost of one month.  It was so helpful to me especially as I went back to work and was struggling to manage a household on my own.  However, give it some time and then have a person that knows the bereaved well ask if this would be ok.  They may be too private to allow such a thing. 

• Trash: If they have a service great, if not come get it or help pay for a service. It may seem like a little thing but with so many new little things you are now doing, the little things feel like BIG tasks.

 • Lawn: Arrange to have the lawn mowed and leaves raked. It’s one less thing to be done and worried about.

The Emotional Help: 

• LISTEN, LISTEN, and LISTEN to me as I talk. Let me show my true emotions. If I cry, it’s ok to cry too. Say my loved one's name. If you try to avoid the topic or are uncomfortable around me in my grief, I'll stop coming to you. It’s ok to not have anything to say. Share a memory you have with my loved one or just listen. 

• Don't tell me how STRONG I am. When you tell me how strong I am, you make me feel like that is what I am supposed to be. I will then put on that mask for you and never feel like I can truly be me. STRONG, what does that mean anyways? I don't feel strong. I feel like I am walking in a daze. My heart and life have been shattered. I am not strong, I am broken. Please, don't think that because I am not crying now, that I am strong. You only make me feel weaker when you call me strong.

• I know it is hard to know the right thing to say.  You want to take the pain away but in reality, nothing you say can stop the hurt.  However, there were some things people said with good intentions that hurt me.  “He is in a better place.”  Was being with his family not a good place?  “You are young, you will find someone new.”  I do not want anyone new, I want my husband!  Be careful of imparting your spiritual beliefs and feelings onto someone.  Let the bereaved take the lead, listen to what they say.  For me personally, it brought no comfort. Others it may.  Know the persons thoughts and beliefs and tread lightly.  Suffering a great loss can make many question their belief system.

• Don't try and fix it: I cannot be fixed. I cannot problem solve a solution to this pain. Please know that there are times I just need to be alone.  I need to be free to vent, cry, yell or scream. Don't try and fix me. I am broken and only I can put the pieces back together. Just be there for me and when I need help, I will know who I can ask.

• Yes, I cry and wish I were dead. No, I don't need to be committed. It is normal to be so overwhelmed with grief to wish you could be with your loved one. There is nothing wrong with me for thinking this. If I tell you a plan on how I am going to go about doing it, then get me help! Just voicing how I don't want to go on and how much I long to be with my loved one is not a sign that I am suicidal. It means I'm hurting. Hold me, cry with me, and tell me you are here for me. Just don't try and tell me how what I feel is wrong.   If, I seem to be stuck in this dark place continually for weeks then you should be a friend and try and convince me to see a counselor or join a support group. Talking with people who have experienced the loss of a spouse can be helpful.

• Grief to me is like a roller coaster.  Some moments are up and others come crashing down. I am doing OK today but tomorrow I cannot get out of bed. On those up days, be there to laugh with me and help me see the light in the dark.  On those down days, listen and cry with me.   There is no timetable for how long I “should be” grieving.  If you truly want to be supportive get on this ride with me, for as long as it takes.

No matter what, keep trying!!! Send cards weeks and months later. Remember the grief last more than the first two weeks. By the first month, help has stopped. Its then they need YOU the most. The first month you are in a fog. Reality starts to set in and you feel more alone than ever. CALL, TEXT, and BE THERE!! Let the person know you know that they are hurting and there is nothing you can do to take it away. However, you want to be there to help them on the journey even if it means just listening!