How to help?

      "What can I do?" & "Call me if you need anything"

Helping those who have lost a spouse/partner

Many people want to help you when they hear of the tragic loss of a loved one. "What can I do?" & "Call me if you need anything" are the most common things I heard and still hear.  Although good in intention, it is overwhelming for those that are grieving to think about how to help YOU help me. It's better to just DO something. Here are ideas and tips from my experience after losing my husband on how you can help without causing more stress for the family.

The doing something stuff: 

• Bring groceries: Things like coffee, cream, bananas (easy to eat with cotton mouth), milk (go with 1or 2% to be safe), bread, cereal and snack foods. Just some staples to have on hand.

• Gift Cards: Gift cards to grocery stores are great or food delivery places but try to avoid sit down restaurants. Who am I going to use them with now?

• The Kids: Tell don't ask. "I'm taking the kids to the park. I’ll pick Hayden up at 10 to join us.” I love my daughter, but I need a break. The people she knows well ASK/TELL me you are here and mean it. Offer over and over. Ask to have her over for a play date. Pick her up and drop her off. Tell me you don't expect me to visit too. Just give me an hour at the least!

• Meals: Meals are great if done correctly. This might sound like I'm being ungrateful but, sometimes; it's more work and energy then it is worth for the grieving. 

1. Please don't send freezer burned meals that you had from the birth of your first child. Fresh meals that can be frozen are great! Having healthy meals to pop in the oven or crock pot are helpful.

2. Think outside the pasta box. Everyone brought heavy pasta dishes. I appreciated them, but really liked meals with veggies too.

3. Know the families dietary needs. If you can, try and find out if the family has restrictions or special likes. I have a medical condition and try to limit processed foods. After awhile, I didn't want meals because most of the foods were things we didn't eat and it upset our digestive systems.

4. Try to limit how many different people are coming to the house. If it’s a group, pick one or two people to drop off food. It's overwhelming and exhausting to have to put on a happy face each time the doorbell rings.  There are great websites that can help you organize a schedule and meal planning. 

5. Think to the future. In the first few days and weeks, not much food is being consumed.  Maybe find out when the person is going back to work. Meals for that time would be helpful. The energy it takes just to go to work is enough to leave you not wanting to even think about cooking!  At 9 months, I still find it difficult to make dinner.  Having some meals in the freezer has saved me many times from serving yet another PB&J.

6. Disposable please. If you bring a container, please make sure it's not one you want back. I cannot think clearly as all I am consumed with is grief. Please don't make me worry about returning your casserole dish.

Things to do as a group:  A great way to offer support is to organize a group of co-workers, church members, friends or neighbors who can work together with some more long term needs.  

• House Cleaning: Hire a professional to come at least once a month. A professional is less invasive because you are already vulnerable to friends. You don't want them knowing just how messy you really are.  My friends set up a schedule to each cover the cost of one month.  It was so helpful to me especially as I went back to work and was struggling to manage a household on my own.  However, give it some time and then have a person that knows the bereaved well ask if this would be ok.  They may be too private to allow such a thing. 

• Trash: If they have a service great, if not come get it or help pay for a service. It may seem like a little thing but with so many new little things you are now doing, the little things feel like BIG tasks.

 • Lawn: Arrange to have the lawn mowed and leaves raked. It’s one less thing to be done and worried about.

The Emotional Help: 

• LISTEN, LISTEN, and LISTEN to me as I talk. Let me show my true emotions. If I cry, it’s ok to cry too. Say my loved one's name. If you try to avoid the topic or are uncomfortable around me in my grief, I'll stop coming to you. It’s ok to not have anything to say. Share a memory you have with my loved one or just listen. 

• Don't tell me how STRONG I am. When you tell me how strong I am, you make me feel like that is what I am supposed to be. I will then put on that mask for you and never feel like I can truly be me. STRONG, what does that mean anyways? I don't feel strong. I feel like I am walking in a daze. My heart and life have been shattered. I am not strong, I am broken. Please, don't think that because I am not crying now, that I am strong. You only make me feel weaker when you call me strong.

• I know it is hard to know the right thing to say.  You want to take the pain away but in reality, nothing you say can stop the hurt.  However, there were some things people said with good intentions that hurt me.  “He is in a better place.”  Was being with his family not a good place?  “You are young, you will find someone new.”  I do not want anyone new, I want my husband!  Be careful of imparting your spiritual beliefs and feelings onto someone.  Let the bereaved take the lead, listen to what they say.  For me personally, it brought no comfort. Others it may.  Know the persons thoughts and beliefs and tread lightly.  Suffering a great loss can make many question their belief system.

• Don't try and fix it: I cannot be fixed. I cannot problem solve a solution to this pain. Please know that there are times I just need to be alone.  I need to be free to vent, cry, yell or scream. Don't try and fix me. I am broken and only I can put the pieces back together. Just be there for me and when I need help, I will know who I can ask.

• Yes, I cry and wish I were dead. No, I don't need to be committed. It is normal to be so overwhelmed with grief to wish you could be with your loved one. There is nothing wrong with me for thinking this. If I tell you a plan on how I am going to go about doing it, then get me help! Just voicing how I don't want to go on and how much I long to be with my loved one is not a sign that I am suicidal. It means I'm hurting. Hold me, cry with me, and tell me you are here for me. Just don't try and tell me how what I feel is wrong.   If, I seem to be stuck in this dark place continually for weeks then you should be a friend and try and convince me to see a counselor or join a support group. Talking with people who have experienced the loss of a spouse can be helpful.

• Grief to me is like a roller coaster.  Some moments are up and others come crashing down. I am doing OK today but tomorrow I cannot get out of bed. On those up days, be there to laugh with me and help me see the light in the dark.  On those down days, listen and cry with me.   There is no timetable for how long I “should be” grieving.  If you truly want to be supportive get on this ride with me, for as long as it takes.

No matter what, keep trying!!! Send cards weeks and months later. Remember the grief last more than the first two weeks. By the first month, help has stopped. Its then they need YOU the most. The first month you are in a fog. Reality starts to set in and you feel more alone than ever. CALL, TEXT, and BE THERE!! Let the person know you know that they are hurting and there is nothing you can do to take it away. However, you want to be there to help them on the journey even if it means just listening!