Dream visits

Within the first two weeks after Adam's death, I had two dreams about him.  The first was not very good.  Although, I was so excited to see him and have him kiss me and make love to me, he then told me he had been cheating on me for 21 years with someone from high school.  Not exactly a warm and fuzzy dream after all.  I woke up laughing thinking that he was going to laugh at me and call me crazy when I told him about this dream.  For a split second, I thought he was out on the couch.  Then, I remembered.  I cried and cried for several days.

I had the second dream a few day later and this one I believe was a visit.  I remember being at our friends home but it was our home?  Adam came to the door and rang the bell.  I opened the door and threw my arms around him hugging him so tightly and kissing him.  We fell backwards into the bean bag chair.  No words were exchanged but I had the feeling of missing him so very much and knowing that he had been gone a long time. 

The third dream, I again saw him this time in what appeared to be a college dorm setting.  I knew I only would have a short time with him and had questions to ask him.  Should I go see this medium I had heard about from a friend?  But instead, we just held each other on a small twin dorm style bed.  There were other people moving around us.  I remember him telling me something about the electricity or turn it off or electronics.  Then, I woke up.  There were no words exchanged by him, just the thoughts in my mind.

Last night, I had another dream. I think it was a visit but I don't understand the message.  This time, we were in a home with 3 stories.  I cannot remember who's house it was supposed to be.  But, I remember I was to be there and then go with his Aunt and my sister to someplace later that day or the next.  As I was looking at the view from the floor I was to be sleeping on, I noted the beautiful view.  Then something drew me to the top floor.  It was here that I found Adam.  We kissed and hugged each other and I commented that the view was not as good.  You could see too much from up there.  All the houses, the street and cars. But, you could also see the beach.  The other view downstairs was of the trees.  We laid again on a bed just holding each other.  I said I didn't want to go where ever it was I was suppose to be.  I wanted to stay with him.  His cell rang and he talked about a conference call.  I thought it was his work but then he was fighting with someone on the phone about me staying.  It was my sister.  She was on her way to get me but I couldn't understand why because I had my own car to drive to meet them when I was done with Adam.  But her and the other person he told me were already coming to drop off the kids. I commented that I had not been able to go to the beach.  We went to go take a shower and the tub was full of water.  We got in then got out when we realized neither of us had filled the bath?  As we were waiting for it to drain and just holding each other, my sister and someone else come storming into the room.  They demanded I go with them right then.  Adam said something to them trying to defend me. I cried and said they couldn't understand.  I just wanted Adam to hold me.  I longed for him to just hold me in his arms.  That I cried for this every night.  Then, the one person turned out to be a teacher from my school and then my principal was there also defending me.  I woke up shortly after this.  It is the last part I do not understand?  Why would they be trying to take me away from Adam?

I do believe we are visited by our loved ones in our dreams.  I know he was holding me like I have begged him to do.  I know he loves me and wants to be with me.  I just wish I could join him.  But I have a beautiful two year old who needs her mother more.

Where this journey begins

I never knew what it truly meant to be broken until April 6, 2012.  That was the day my husband, best friend, father of my daughter, provider, protector, and my future was taken from me.  Now, I'm left here alone, lost and broken.  This blog is designed to assist other widows/widowers and the people that love us  understand what it means to be broken and try to put our hearts/lives back together.

A little about my story.  My husband Adam and I met and fell in love after many years of being acquaintances.  My brother and Adam became friends in high school (I was in 8th grade).  I always found him cute, but I was 4 yrs younger and Adam was Nate's friend.  As I got older, I found him even more attractive but knew he was way out of my league.  We spent time together over the years hanging out with my brother. But, I was the kid sister and he was the friend.  In May 2000, we were partners in my brother's wedding.  We made up a last minute skit about a fishing trip between my brother and his wife.  Unbeknownst to us, many of the guests were commenting on our chemistry and what a great couple we would make.  His mother looked at his father and said "They are going to get married.".  My brother saw it as well, his reaction was a little different.  The seed must have been planted in us that day as well.

I was moving to Virginia in August of 2000 to start my first year as a teacher.  Adam was living 2hrs away in North Carolina working as a counselor for a wilderness therapy camp.  He decided to come visit my brother, who had come to help me move.  Adam ended up staying the weekend to help me get settled and continued to visit every time he had off for a year!  In 2001, he moved to Virginia to live with me.  We married in 2005.  After struggling to conceive due to PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), we had our daughter Hayden in September 2009.

Adam was a man of nature.  He enjoyed fly fishing, hiking, camping, kayaking, skiing, mountain biking, and rock climbing.  He loved to be in the outdoors soaking in its beauty.  In the year before Hayden was born, he became more focused on rock climbing.  He took classes to learn more about the sport and safety in climbing.  He read countless books and watched hundreds of videos.  He only climbed with those who respected the danger and were educated safe climbers.

On Thursday, April 5, 2012 he went for a weekend trip to Long Mountain, VA/WVA to climb.  He camped overnight with another climber. The next morning, one of his best friends and another guy joined them.  Many other climbers planning to join them later in the day.  However, those joyful plans became the worst nightmare for us all.

At 3:31pm April 6th, I got a phone call from a dispatcher in Texas.  My husband's SPOT Tracker's 911 feature was activated and they were wanting to know if he was in danger or was this a mistake.  I informed them he was on a trip.  They then use the GPS coordinates from the SPOT to dispatch help.  They asked me for information I didn't know in my haze.  A few minutes later my cell rang.  A man I never met informed me he was climbing with Adam and there had been "a very serious accident".  I asked how many he said one, how many present he said three.  Was Todd ok?  He said yes.  I asked the questions dispatch asked me. I told him I needed to call them back.  I knew my husband was hurt without even needing to say the words.  I called dispatch in Texas.  Then my mind and heart began to race.   I need to go to a hospital. What do I do with my sleeping 2 yr old?  Who will take the dogs? I tried my friend who's husband ,Todd, was climbing with him that day, no answer.  I called my daughter's sitter (this was the first day of my spring break) to see if she could take Hayden, but got voicemail.  Called our dog sitter and she said she could watch the dogs that night. Left a message with another friend thinking I'd need her to take the dogs because I was going to be at the hospital more than a day.  I called the cell phone of the guy with Adam, I couldn't remember his name.  I asked him where I needed to go, how do I get to you?  He kept telling me it had been a very serious accident.  "I wouldn't advise that Ma'am.  It's been a very serious accident."  Something about his repeating those words as if it were a script, I knew.  I just knew but had to ask, "Is he alive?"  Then this poor man who was in the midst of a trauma had to tell the poor wife that her husband was dead.  "I'm sorry Ma'am, he is deceased."  With those words, my heart broke into a million pieces.  In that moment, my life stopped and my adventures in hell began.