While brushing her teeth (3 hours past her bedtime), she asked if daddy was on his way back. I said, "No baby, not tonight.". The next day (Saturday) when she woke, more family were there. She knew Mimi and Papa were on the way. Again she asked about daddy. How can I do this? How can I tell her he is never coming home?
As an elementary school counselor, I know that for small children you keep the information brief and to the point. You need to speak honestly but with little details, allow them to ask questions. Use died or dead not passed away or sleeping. Kids are very black and white. You shouldn't talk in abstracts.
The next morning I knew I had to tell her. I had to be the one before someone else says something or she overhears. I brought her in my bed Sunday morning when she woke. I told her, " daddy was rock climbing and he fell and got a big boo boo on his head and he died. When you die, you cannot come back home. Remember the bug we saw and how it couldn't move anymore,. Well daddy cannot walk, or talk, and he cannot come back.". She asked me to kiss daddy's boo boo. I told her I couldn't make it better, that he died. She then began to watch her tv show. A few minutes passed and she asked if she could make his boo boo better? I had to repeat the events again. Telling her that it was a really big boo boo and there was nothing we could do to make it better.
Over the next few weeks, Hayden asked about the accident or repeated my words over and over. This is normal for kids as they process the information. What amazed me, she asked many of the same questions I had. Adam and Hayden "played" with his equipment often. He let her help him with it and taught her what it was used for. She asked questions like, "Did he use his rope?". "what about his cam?". " Well, then why did he fall?". All I could say, "I don't know baby."
Sometime between his death and the service, someone mentioned daddy being an angel in heaven. This caused more questions. Despite our beliefs, kids don't understand Heaven. They can often think of it as a place we can visit. I know whomever mentioned it didn't know better, but it's caused confusion even now 4 months later. From that comment, I did explain that Daddy is always with us. He can hear and see us but we cannot see or hear him. I told her she can talk to him but he cannot talk back. She talked to him a lot in the beginning. Now, she talks about him but not to him as much.
Heaven, adults don't get it, what makes us think kids do? "Can we take an airplane and see him?" "can we go see daddy there?". Over the 4 months since he died, I have added little details to her questions. I explained that heaven isn't just one place. It is anything we want it to be. Daddy loves nature. Daddy's heaven is probably rock climbing and fishing. It's also being with us!
Remember, keep it simple, be honest and allow them to ask questions. Most of all assure them you love them and their loved one still loves them too.
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