How to tell my daughter

I don't mean to sound like one of those moms but... Hayden is not the average 2 yr. old.  She knew daddy was coming home on Saturday.  It was not normal for so many people to be at our house.  She could tell something was wrong.

While brushing her teeth (3 hours past her bedtime), she asked if daddy was on his way back.  I said, "No baby, not tonight.". The next day (Saturday) when she woke, more family were there.  She knew Mimi and Papa were on the way.  Again she asked about daddy.  How can I do this?  How can I tell her he is never coming home?

As an elementary school counselor, I know that for small children you keep the information brief and to the point.  You need to speak honestly but with little details, allow them to ask questions.  Use died or dead not passed away or sleeping.  Kids are very black and white.  You shouldn't talk in abstracts.

The next morning I knew I had to tell her.  I had to be the one before someone else says something or she overhears.   I brought her in my bed Sunday morning when she woke.  I told her, " daddy was rock climbing and he fell and got a big boo boo on his head and he died.  When you die, you cannot come back home.  Remember the bug we saw and how it couldn't move anymore,.  Well daddy cannot walk, or talk, and he cannot come back.".   She asked me to kiss daddy's boo boo.  I told her I couldn't make it better, that he died.  She then began to watch her tv show.  A few minutes passed and she asked if she could make his boo boo better?  I had to repeat the events again.  Telling her that it was a really big boo boo and there was nothing we could do to make it better.

Over the next few weeks,  Hayden asked about the accident or repeated my words over and over.  This is normal for kids as they process the information.  What amazed me, she asked many of the same questions I had.  Adam and Hayden "played" with his equipment often.  He let her help him with it and taught her what it was used for.  She asked questions like, "Did he use his rope?". "what about his cam?". " Well, then why did he fall?".   All I could say, "I don't know baby."

Sometime between his death and the service, someone mentioned daddy being an angel in heaven.  This caused more questions.  Despite our beliefs, kids don't understand Heaven.  They can often think of it as a place we can visit.  I know whomever mentioned it didn't know better, but it's caused confusion even now 4 months later.  From that comment, I did explain that Daddy is always with us.  He can hear and see us but we cannot see or hear him.  I told her she can talk to him but he cannot talk back.  She talked to him a lot in the beginning.  Now, she talks about him but not to him as much.

Heaven, adults don't get it, what makes us think kids do?  "Can we take an airplane and see him?" "can we go see daddy there?".  Over the 4 months since he died, I have added little details to her questions.  I explained that heaven isn't just one place.  It is anything we want it to be.  Daddy loves nature.  Daddy's heaven is probably rock climbing and fishing.  It's also being with us!

Remember, keep it simple, be honest and allow them to ask questions.  Most of all assure them you love them and their loved one still loves them too.

The Questions

Is this really happening?

How am I going to live?

How can I afford my house?

Did we have life insurance, I don' think we do??

How am I going to tell Hayden?

How am I going to afford a funeral?

What am I going to do?

But he was the safest climber I know?

Why did he fall?

Did the protection not work?

WTF?

Shock sets in

  Here I am 33 years old with a 2 year old depending on me.  I'm outside in my yard on my knees wheeping as I try to tell my mother in law that her son is dead.  I cannot believe the words coming out of my mouth.  I'm alone, in shock, in a fog and I don't know what to do.  My daughter is awake from her nap waiting for me to come get her.  Paitenly waiting in her room and I cannot move.  I cannot breath.......

 It was the first day of Spring Break. All my close friends (in distance) were in a car driving to their vacation destinations.  I was alone begging my friend whos husband just witnessed the death of his friend, my husband, to drive the almost 2 hrs to my house.  I was alone and didn't know what to do.  The friend from work I had called to watch my dog called over and over.  I finally answered and as the words spewed out of my mouth, it was as if I was someone else.  That this was not happeing to me.

Before I knew it, my work family had arrived at my house and the fog became thicker.  I don't remember if I got Hayden up before they arrived or after.  All I remember is they came.  They came and they stayed.  They immediately went into action.  Two went to the store to get food for expected guests.  Two tried to entertain Hayden as I tried to make sense of what was happening.  I started to make calls.  I had to be the one to tell his good friends.  I had to be the one to call.  Two sat outside with me and held me and tried to hold back their own emotions as they took the phone from me when the words just wouldn't come.

Hours went by and I still had not been visited by police or called by an offical.  "I'm sorry Ma'ma he is deseaced" is the only information I had.  His friend was in shock and did not give his wife details over the phone.  He was still on the mountain with the police and my husband.  The fog was getting thicker.

My friend and fellow school counselor, tried calling the dispatch for Hardy County West Virginia where the SPOT call center contacted for rescue assistance.  They acted as if they knew nothing and bounced us around from locality to locality, no one telling us anything.

Hayden's babysitter came which brought great joy to my daughter who knew something was going on.  As I was helping her brush her teeth for bed, "Is tomorrow Saturday? Is daddy coming home tomorrow?"  My heart again shattering.  "No, baby.  Not tomorrow". 

By 11:00 PM we still had no word from law enforcement on the status of the recovery efforts. My mother and sister had arrived to be with me.  Another friend from work came who called in a favor to someone she knew in the US Marshall serivce.  He called back in 10 minutes telling us that Adam's body had yet to be recovered.  There was juristicual confusion in the beginning over whether he was in West Virginia or Virginia.  A helicopter had tried to access them but ran out of gas and had to go back.  It was too dark for a new chopper.  The hike in was an hour of steep and difficult tarain.  Trooper Durrah and Srgt. Anderson were the two people in charge.  They should contact me in an hour to tell me where to go to indentify the body.

My work family left and the house was quiet, too quiet.  But yet, my mother wouldn't shut up.  She kept trying to fill the void not knowing what to say.

At 1:00 AM my brother in law and his wife arrived.  Still no word on if my husband was off the mountain.  No word on what happend?  How was he killed?  Did he suffer?  Did he know?  It had been almost 10 hrs.  Why had no one come to my home or called me?  10 hrs of me waiting and wondering and worrying.  Finally, a call from his friend.  I couldn't take the call.  I couldn't ask the questions I desperatly need to hear.  Matt took the call instead.  He asked the questions.  The one question still remained, where is he now? 

Matt and I wanted to go be where ever they were going to take Adam.  But, what would I do with Hayden.  With my family living so far away, Hayden didn't see them often.  As a mother, I couldn't have her wake-up to people she didn't know.  I needed her and she needed me.  So we sat and we waited.  We pretend to sleep.  We waited for the phone call from The Troopers.  No one called.

By 7:30 AM I texted my friend to see if they had heard anything.  They were furiouse that no one had contacted me.  So her husband called Trooper Durrah that had taken his statement.  He called Hardy County and where ever else to learn where my husband was.  It was that friend who told me he was in a funeral home waiting to be transported home, not the police.

The fog was so thick at this point but I had to get up.... I had to dry my eyes because from the monitor I could hear "Mom...Mom".  Someone needed me.

All I kept thinking in those 16 and half hours was that my loving husband was still out there on that mountain alone.  All I wanted was to go to him. 

Is this really happening to us?

Where this journey begins

I never knew what it truly meant to be broken until April 6, 2012.  That was the day my husband, best friend, father of my daughter, provider, protector, and my future was taken from me.  Now, I'm left here alone, lost and broken.  This blog is designed to assist other widows/widowers and the people that love us  understand what it means to be broken and try to put our hearts/lives back together.

A little about my story.  My husband Adam and I met and fell in love after many years of being acquaintances.  My brother and Adam became friends in high school (I was in 8th grade).  I always found him cute, but I was 4 yrs younger and Adam was Nate's friend.  As I got older, I found him even more attractive but knew he was way out of my league.  We spent time together over the years hanging out with my brother. But, I was the kid sister and he was the friend.  In May 2000, we were partners in my brother's wedding.  We made up a last minute skit about a fishing trip between my brother and his wife.  Unbeknownst to us, many of the guests were commenting on our chemistry and what a great couple we would make.  His mother looked at his father and said "They are going to get married.".  My brother saw it as well, his reaction was a little different.  The seed must have been planted in us that day as well.

I was moving to Virginia in August of 2000 to start my first year as a teacher.  Adam was living 2hrs away in North Carolina working as a counselor for a wilderness therapy camp.  He decided to come visit my brother, who had come to help me move.  Adam ended up staying the weekend to help me get settled and continued to visit every time he had off for a year!  In 2001, he moved to Virginia to live with me.  We married in 2005.  After struggling to conceive due to PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), we had our daughter Hayden in September 2009.

Adam was a man of nature.  He enjoyed fly fishing, hiking, camping, kayaking, skiing, mountain biking, and rock climbing.  He loved to be in the outdoors soaking in its beauty.  In the year before Hayden was born, he became more focused on rock climbing.  He took classes to learn more about the sport and safety in climbing.  He read countless books and watched hundreds of videos.  He only climbed with those who respected the danger and were educated safe climbers.

On Thursday, April 5, 2012 he went for a weekend trip to Long Mountain, VA/WVA to climb.  He camped overnight with another climber. The next morning, one of his best friends and another guy joined them.  Many other climbers planning to join them later in the day.  However, those joyful plans became the worst nightmare for us all.

At 3:31pm April 6th, I got a phone call from a dispatcher in Texas.  My husband's SPOT Tracker's 911 feature was activated and they were wanting to know if he was in danger or was this a mistake.  I informed them he was on a trip.  They then use the GPS coordinates from the SPOT to dispatch help.  They asked me for information I didn't know in my haze.  A few minutes later my cell rang.  A man I never met informed me he was climbing with Adam and there had been "a very serious accident".  I asked how many he said one, how many present he said three.  Was Todd ok?  He said yes.  I asked the questions dispatch asked me. I told him I needed to call them back.  I knew my husband was hurt without even needing to say the words.  I called dispatch in Texas.  Then my mind and heart began to race.   I need to go to a hospital. What do I do with my sleeping 2 yr old?  Who will take the dogs? I tried my friend who's husband ,Todd, was climbing with him that day, no answer.  I called my daughter's sitter (this was the first day of my spring break) to see if she could take Hayden, but got voicemail.  Called our dog sitter and she said she could watch the dogs that night. Left a message with another friend thinking I'd need her to take the dogs because I was going to be at the hospital more than a day.  I called the cell phone of the guy with Adam, I couldn't remember his name.  I asked him where I needed to go, how do I get to you?  He kept telling me it had been a very serious accident.  "I wouldn't advise that Ma'am.  It's been a very serious accident."  Something about his repeating those words as if it were a script, I knew.  I just knew but had to ask, "Is he alive?"  Then this poor man who was in the midst of a trauma had to tell the poor wife that her husband was dead.  "I'm sorry Ma'am, he is deceased."  With those words, my heart broke into a million pieces.  In that moment, my life stopped and my adventures in hell began.