Dream visits

Within the first two weeks after Adam's death, I had two dreams about him.  The first was not very good.  Although, I was so excited to see him and have him kiss me and make love to me, he then told me he had been cheating on me for 21 years with someone from high school.  Not exactly a warm and fuzzy dream after all.  I woke up laughing thinking that he was going to laugh at me and call me crazy when I told him about this dream.  For a split second, I thought he was out on the couch.  Then, I remembered.  I cried and cried for several days.

I had the second dream a few day later and this one I believe was a visit.  I remember being at our friends home but it was our home?  Adam came to the door and rang the bell.  I opened the door and threw my arms around him hugging him so tightly and kissing him.  We fell backwards into the bean bag chair.  No words were exchanged but I had the feeling of missing him so very much and knowing that he had been gone a long time. 

The third dream, I again saw him this time in what appeared to be a college dorm setting.  I knew I only would have a short time with him and had questions to ask him.  Should I go see this medium I had heard about from a friend?  But instead, we just held each other on a small twin dorm style bed.  There were other people moving around us.  I remember him telling me something about the electricity or turn it off or electronics.  Then, I woke up.  There were no words exchanged by him, just the thoughts in my mind.

Last night, I had another dream. I think it was a visit but I don't understand the message.  This time, we were in a home with 3 stories.  I cannot remember who's house it was supposed to be.  But, I remember I was to be there and then go with his Aunt and my sister to someplace later that day or the next.  As I was looking at the view from the floor I was to be sleeping on, I noted the beautiful view.  Then something drew me to the top floor.  It was here that I found Adam.  We kissed and hugged each other and I commented that the view was not as good.  You could see too much from up there.  All the houses, the street and cars. But, you could also see the beach.  The other view downstairs was of the trees.  We laid again on a bed just holding each other.  I said I didn't want to go where ever it was I was suppose to be.  I wanted to stay with him.  His cell rang and he talked about a conference call.  I thought it was his work but then he was fighting with someone on the phone about me staying.  It was my sister.  She was on her way to get me but I couldn't understand why because I had my own car to drive to meet them when I was done with Adam.  But her and the other person he told me were already coming to drop off the kids. I commented that I had not been able to go to the beach.  We went to go take a shower and the tub was full of water.  We got in then got out when we realized neither of us had filled the bath?  As we were waiting for it to drain and just holding each other, my sister and someone else come storming into the room.  They demanded I go with them right then.  Adam said something to them trying to defend me. I cried and said they couldn't understand.  I just wanted Adam to hold me.  I longed for him to just hold me in his arms.  That I cried for this every night.  Then, the one person turned out to be a teacher from my school and then my principal was there also defending me.  I woke up shortly after this.  It is the last part I do not understand?  Why would they be trying to take me away from Adam?

I do believe we are visited by our loved ones in our dreams.  I know he was holding me like I have begged him to do.  I know he loves me and wants to be with me.  I just wish I could join him.  But I have a beautiful two year old who needs her mother more.

How to help?

      "What can I do?" & "Call me if you need anything"

Helping those who have lost a spouse/partner

Many people want to help you when they hear of the tragic loss of a loved one. "What can I do?" & "Call me if you need anything" are the most common things I heard and still hear.  Although good in intention, it is overwhelming for those that are grieving to think about how to help YOU help me. It's better to just DO something. Here are ideas and tips from my experience after losing my husband on how you can help without causing more stress for the family.

The doing something stuff: 

• Bring groceries: Things like coffee, cream, bananas (easy to eat with cotton mouth), milk (go with 1or 2% to be safe), bread, cereal and snack foods. Just some staples to have on hand.

• Gift Cards: Gift cards to grocery stores are great or food delivery places but try to avoid sit down restaurants. Who am I going to use them with now?

• The Kids: Tell don't ask. "I'm taking the kids to the park. I’ll pick Hayden up at 10 to join us.” I love my daughter, but I need a break. The people she knows well ASK/TELL me you are here and mean it. Offer over and over. Ask to have her over for a play date. Pick her up and drop her off. Tell me you don't expect me to visit too. Just give me an hour at the least!

• Meals: Meals are great if done correctly. This might sound like I'm being ungrateful but, sometimes; it's more work and energy then it is worth for the grieving. 

1. Please don't send freezer burned meals that you had from the birth of your first child. Fresh meals that can be frozen are great! Having healthy meals to pop in the oven or crock pot are helpful.

2. Think outside the pasta box. Everyone brought heavy pasta dishes. I appreciated them, but really liked meals with veggies too.

3. Know the families dietary needs. If you can, try and find out if the family has restrictions or special likes. I have a medical condition and try to limit processed foods. After awhile, I didn't want meals because most of the foods were things we didn't eat and it upset our digestive systems.

4. Try to limit how many different people are coming to the house. If it’s a group, pick one or two people to drop off food. It's overwhelming and exhausting to have to put on a happy face each time the doorbell rings.  There are great websites that can help you organize a schedule and meal planning. 

5. Think to the future. In the first few days and weeks, not much food is being consumed.  Maybe find out when the person is going back to work. Meals for that time would be helpful. The energy it takes just to go to work is enough to leave you not wanting to even think about cooking!  At 9 months, I still find it difficult to make dinner.  Having some meals in the freezer has saved me many times from serving yet another PB&J.

6. Disposable please. If you bring a container, please make sure it's not one you want back. I cannot think clearly as all I am consumed with is grief. Please don't make me worry about returning your casserole dish.

Things to do as a group:  A great way to offer support is to organize a group of co-workers, church members, friends or neighbors who can work together with some more long term needs.  

• House Cleaning: Hire a professional to come at least once a month. A professional is less invasive because you are already vulnerable to friends. You don't want them knowing just how messy you really are.  My friends set up a schedule to each cover the cost of one month.  It was so helpful to me especially as I went back to work and was struggling to manage a household on my own.  However, give it some time and then have a person that knows the bereaved well ask if this would be ok.  They may be too private to allow such a thing. 

• Trash: If they have a service great, if not come get it or help pay for a service. It may seem like a little thing but with so many new little things you are now doing, the little things feel like BIG tasks.

 • Lawn: Arrange to have the lawn mowed and leaves raked. It’s one less thing to be done and worried about.

The Emotional Help: 

• LISTEN, LISTEN, and LISTEN to me as I talk. Let me show my true emotions. If I cry, it’s ok to cry too. Say my loved one's name. If you try to avoid the topic or are uncomfortable around me in my grief, I'll stop coming to you. It’s ok to not have anything to say. Share a memory you have with my loved one or just listen. 

• Don't tell me how STRONG I am. When you tell me how strong I am, you make me feel like that is what I am supposed to be. I will then put on that mask for you and never feel like I can truly be me. STRONG, what does that mean anyways? I don't feel strong. I feel like I am walking in a daze. My heart and life have been shattered. I am not strong, I am broken. Please, don't think that because I am not crying now, that I am strong. You only make me feel weaker when you call me strong.

• I know it is hard to know the right thing to say.  You want to take the pain away but in reality, nothing you say can stop the hurt.  However, there were some things people said with good intentions that hurt me.  “He is in a better place.”  Was being with his family not a good place?  “You are young, you will find someone new.”  I do not want anyone new, I want my husband!  Be careful of imparting your spiritual beliefs and feelings onto someone.  Let the bereaved take the lead, listen to what they say.  For me personally, it brought no comfort. Others it may.  Know the persons thoughts and beliefs and tread lightly.  Suffering a great loss can make many question their belief system.

• Don't try and fix it: I cannot be fixed. I cannot problem solve a solution to this pain. Please know that there are times I just need to be alone.  I need to be free to vent, cry, yell or scream. Don't try and fix me. I am broken and only I can put the pieces back together. Just be there for me and when I need help, I will know who I can ask.

• Yes, I cry and wish I were dead. No, I don't need to be committed. It is normal to be so overwhelmed with grief to wish you could be with your loved one. There is nothing wrong with me for thinking this. If I tell you a plan on how I am going to go about doing it, then get me help! Just voicing how I don't want to go on and how much I long to be with my loved one is not a sign that I am suicidal. It means I'm hurting. Hold me, cry with me, and tell me you are here for me. Just don't try and tell me how what I feel is wrong.   If, I seem to be stuck in this dark place continually for weeks then you should be a friend and try and convince me to see a counselor or join a support group. Talking with people who have experienced the loss of a spouse can be helpful.

• Grief to me is like a roller coaster.  Some moments are up and others come crashing down. I am doing OK today but tomorrow I cannot get out of bed. On those up days, be there to laugh with me and help me see the light in the dark.  On those down days, listen and cry with me.   There is no timetable for how long I “should be” grieving.  If you truly want to be supportive get on this ride with me, for as long as it takes.

No matter what, keep trying!!! Send cards weeks and months later. Remember the grief last more than the first two weeks. By the first month, help has stopped. Its then they need YOU the most. The first month you are in a fog. Reality starts to set in and you feel more alone than ever. CALL, TEXT, and BE THERE!! Let the person know you know that they are hurting and there is nothing you can do to take it away. However, you want to be there to help them on the journey even if it means just listening!

How to tell my daughter

I don't mean to sound like one of those moms but... Hayden is not the average 2 yr. old.  She knew daddy was coming home on Saturday.  It was not normal for so many people to be at our house.  She could tell something was wrong.

While brushing her teeth (3 hours past her bedtime), she asked if daddy was on his way back.  I said, "No baby, not tonight.". The next day (Saturday) when she woke, more family were there.  She knew Mimi and Papa were on the way.  Again she asked about daddy.  How can I do this?  How can I tell her he is never coming home?

As an elementary school counselor, I know that for small children you keep the information brief and to the point.  You need to speak honestly but with little details, allow them to ask questions.  Use died or dead not passed away or sleeping.  Kids are very black and white.  You shouldn't talk in abstracts.

The next morning I knew I had to tell her.  I had to be the one before someone else says something or she overhears.   I brought her in my bed Sunday morning when she woke.  I told her, " daddy was rock climbing and he fell and got a big boo boo on his head and he died.  When you die, you cannot come back home.  Remember the bug we saw and how it couldn't move anymore,.  Well daddy cannot walk, or talk, and he cannot come back.".   She asked me to kiss daddy's boo boo.  I told her I couldn't make it better, that he died.  She then began to watch her tv show.  A few minutes passed and she asked if she could make his boo boo better?  I had to repeat the events again.  Telling her that it was a really big boo boo and there was nothing we could do to make it better.

Over the next few weeks,  Hayden asked about the accident or repeated my words over and over.  This is normal for kids as they process the information.  What amazed me, she asked many of the same questions I had.  Adam and Hayden "played" with his equipment often.  He let her help him with it and taught her what it was used for.  She asked questions like, "Did he use his rope?". "what about his cam?". " Well, then why did he fall?".   All I could say, "I don't know baby."

Sometime between his death and the service, someone mentioned daddy being an angel in heaven.  This caused more questions.  Despite our beliefs, kids don't understand Heaven.  They can often think of it as a place we can visit.  I know whomever mentioned it didn't know better, but it's caused confusion even now 4 months later.  From that comment, I did explain that Daddy is always with us.  He can hear and see us but we cannot see or hear him.  I told her she can talk to him but he cannot talk back.  She talked to him a lot in the beginning.  Now, she talks about him but not to him as much.

Heaven, adults don't get it, what makes us think kids do?  "Can we take an airplane and see him?" "can we go see daddy there?".  Over the 4 months since he died, I have added little details to her questions.  I explained that heaven isn't just one place.  It is anything we want it to be.  Daddy loves nature.  Daddy's heaven is probably rock climbing and fishing.  It's also being with us!

Remember, keep it simple, be honest and allow them to ask questions.  Most of all assure them you love them and their loved one still loves them too.

The Questions

Is this really happening?

How am I going to live?

How can I afford my house?

Did we have life insurance, I don' think we do??

How am I going to tell Hayden?

How am I going to afford a funeral?

What am I going to do?

But he was the safest climber I know?

Why did he fall?

Did the protection not work?

WTF?

Shock sets in

  Here I am 33 years old with a 2 year old depending on me.  I'm outside in my yard on my knees wheeping as I try to tell my mother in law that her son is dead.  I cannot believe the words coming out of my mouth.  I'm alone, in shock, in a fog and I don't know what to do.  My daughter is awake from her nap waiting for me to come get her.  Paitenly waiting in her room and I cannot move.  I cannot breath.......

 It was the first day of Spring Break. All my close friends (in distance) were in a car driving to their vacation destinations.  I was alone begging my friend whos husband just witnessed the death of his friend, my husband, to drive the almost 2 hrs to my house.  I was alone and didn't know what to do.  The friend from work I had called to watch my dog called over and over.  I finally answered and as the words spewed out of my mouth, it was as if I was someone else.  That this was not happeing to me.

Before I knew it, my work family had arrived at my house and the fog became thicker.  I don't remember if I got Hayden up before they arrived or after.  All I remember is they came.  They came and they stayed.  They immediately went into action.  Two went to the store to get food for expected guests.  Two tried to entertain Hayden as I tried to make sense of what was happening.  I started to make calls.  I had to be the one to tell his good friends.  I had to be the one to call.  Two sat outside with me and held me and tried to hold back their own emotions as they took the phone from me when the words just wouldn't come.

Hours went by and I still had not been visited by police or called by an offical.  "I'm sorry Ma'ma he is deseaced" is the only information I had.  His friend was in shock and did not give his wife details over the phone.  He was still on the mountain with the police and my husband.  The fog was getting thicker.

My friend and fellow school counselor, tried calling the dispatch for Hardy County West Virginia where the SPOT call center contacted for rescue assistance.  They acted as if they knew nothing and bounced us around from locality to locality, no one telling us anything.

Hayden's babysitter came which brought great joy to my daughter who knew something was going on.  As I was helping her brush her teeth for bed, "Is tomorrow Saturday? Is daddy coming home tomorrow?"  My heart again shattering.  "No, baby.  Not tomorrow". 

By 11:00 PM we still had no word from law enforcement on the status of the recovery efforts. My mother and sister had arrived to be with me.  Another friend from work came who called in a favor to someone she knew in the US Marshall serivce.  He called back in 10 minutes telling us that Adam's body had yet to be recovered.  There was juristicual confusion in the beginning over whether he was in West Virginia or Virginia.  A helicopter had tried to access them but ran out of gas and had to go back.  It was too dark for a new chopper.  The hike in was an hour of steep and difficult tarain.  Trooper Durrah and Srgt. Anderson were the two people in charge.  They should contact me in an hour to tell me where to go to indentify the body.

My work family left and the house was quiet, too quiet.  But yet, my mother wouldn't shut up.  She kept trying to fill the void not knowing what to say.

At 1:00 AM my brother in law and his wife arrived.  Still no word on if my husband was off the mountain.  No word on what happend?  How was he killed?  Did he suffer?  Did he know?  It had been almost 10 hrs.  Why had no one come to my home or called me?  10 hrs of me waiting and wondering and worrying.  Finally, a call from his friend.  I couldn't take the call.  I couldn't ask the questions I desperatly need to hear.  Matt took the call instead.  He asked the questions.  The one question still remained, where is he now? 

Matt and I wanted to go be where ever they were going to take Adam.  But, what would I do with Hayden.  With my family living so far away, Hayden didn't see them often.  As a mother, I couldn't have her wake-up to people she didn't know.  I needed her and she needed me.  So we sat and we waited.  We pretend to sleep.  We waited for the phone call from The Troopers.  No one called.

By 7:30 AM I texted my friend to see if they had heard anything.  They were furiouse that no one had contacted me.  So her husband called Trooper Durrah that had taken his statement.  He called Hardy County and where ever else to learn where my husband was.  It was that friend who told me he was in a funeral home waiting to be transported home, not the police.

The fog was so thick at this point but I had to get up.... I had to dry my eyes because from the monitor I could hear "Mom...Mom".  Someone needed me.

All I kept thinking in those 16 and half hours was that my loving husband was still out there on that mountain alone.  All I wanted was to go to him. 

Is this really happening to us?

Where this journey begins

I never knew what it truly meant to be broken until April 6, 2012.  That was the day my husband, best friend, father of my daughter, provider, protector, and my future was taken from me.  Now, I'm left here alone, lost and broken.  This blog is designed to assist other widows/widowers and the people that love us  understand what it means to be broken and try to put our hearts/lives back together.

A little about my story.  My husband Adam and I met and fell in love after many years of being acquaintances.  My brother and Adam became friends in high school (I was in 8th grade).  I always found him cute, but I was 4 yrs younger and Adam was Nate's friend.  As I got older, I found him even more attractive but knew he was way out of my league.  We spent time together over the years hanging out with my brother. But, I was the kid sister and he was the friend.  In May 2000, we were partners in my brother's wedding.  We made up a last minute skit about a fishing trip between my brother and his wife.  Unbeknownst to us, many of the guests were commenting on our chemistry and what a great couple we would make.  His mother looked at his father and said "They are going to get married.".  My brother saw it as well, his reaction was a little different.  The seed must have been planted in us that day as well.

I was moving to Virginia in August of 2000 to start my first year as a teacher.  Adam was living 2hrs away in North Carolina working as a counselor for a wilderness therapy camp.  He decided to come visit my brother, who had come to help me move.  Adam ended up staying the weekend to help me get settled and continued to visit every time he had off for a year!  In 2001, he moved to Virginia to live with me.  We married in 2005.  After struggling to conceive due to PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), we had our daughter Hayden in September 2009.

Adam was a man of nature.  He enjoyed fly fishing, hiking, camping, kayaking, skiing, mountain biking, and rock climbing.  He loved to be in the outdoors soaking in its beauty.  In the year before Hayden was born, he became more focused on rock climbing.  He took classes to learn more about the sport and safety in climbing.  He read countless books and watched hundreds of videos.  He only climbed with those who respected the danger and were educated safe climbers.

On Thursday, April 5, 2012 he went for a weekend trip to Long Mountain, VA/WVA to climb.  He camped overnight with another climber. The next morning, one of his best friends and another guy joined them.  Many other climbers planning to join them later in the day.  However, those joyful plans became the worst nightmare for us all.

At 3:31pm April 6th, I got a phone call from a dispatcher in Texas.  My husband's SPOT Tracker's 911 feature was activated and they were wanting to know if he was in danger or was this a mistake.  I informed them he was on a trip.  They then use the GPS coordinates from the SPOT to dispatch help.  They asked me for information I didn't know in my haze.  A few minutes later my cell rang.  A man I never met informed me he was climbing with Adam and there had been "a very serious accident".  I asked how many he said one, how many present he said three.  Was Todd ok?  He said yes.  I asked the questions dispatch asked me. I told him I needed to call them back.  I knew my husband was hurt without even needing to say the words.  I called dispatch in Texas.  Then my mind and heart began to race.   I need to go to a hospital. What do I do with my sleeping 2 yr old?  Who will take the dogs? I tried my friend who's husband ,Todd, was climbing with him that day, no answer.  I called my daughter's sitter (this was the first day of my spring break) to see if she could take Hayden, but got voicemail.  Called our dog sitter and she said she could watch the dogs that night. Left a message with another friend thinking I'd need her to take the dogs because I was going to be at the hospital more than a day.  I called the cell phone of the guy with Adam, I couldn't remember his name.  I asked him where I needed to go, how do I get to you?  He kept telling me it had been a very serious accident.  "I wouldn't advise that Ma'am.  It's been a very serious accident."  Something about his repeating those words as if it were a script, I knew.  I just knew but had to ask, "Is he alive?"  Then this poor man who was in the midst of a trauma had to tell the poor wife that her husband was dead.  "I'm sorry Ma'am, he is deceased."  With those words, my heart broke into a million pieces.  In that moment, my life stopped and my adventures in hell began.